For a while, I was thinking of starting a blog called "The Hater," in which I would write a post a day about something I hated. In the end, I think this is just way too much bad karma to put out into the world, so I think instead I'll just dole out the hate from here. So, fueled by a hearty dose of Joshua Brook, the best bourbon $11.75 can buy, here is a list of things I hate (Oh, and if there are people on this list, it's not that I hate them per se. Like Sandra Bullock is on the list, but I've never met her, and I've heard nothing but nice things about her. She just doesn't do it for me, and I really, really dislike her movies.):
Sandra Bullock. See above.
Reggae. I might be the only person in the world who hates reggae. It's taken me a long time to admit it to myself, too. I used to bob my head, try to feel the groove. Now, I just turn the station. No reggae for me.
People who live in LA who talk about how much they miss New York City. If you love it so much, move back. It'd be one less jackass on the roads.
Guys who say "bra." But who doesn't hate those guys?
American cars. Let's see: poor fuel efficiency, boxy design, shitty safety ratings--what's not to hate? If I ever drive another Chrysler product, it will be cold day in hell.
Drivers who don't turn into the first available lane. Someday, when I'm king, these people will be the first to be rounded up and shot. I know you want to make an immediate right turn after turning left, but turn into the middle lane, then change lanes like the rest of us law abiding citizens.
Joe Morgan. If there's a worse guy broadcasting sports today, I haven't heard him. His war against on-base percentage is the most troglodytic stance since creationism.
My wife's delusional rants. Seriously, honey, you are crazy.
Picky eaters. Will you just try the chicken liver crostini? Please?
It's a very incomplete list. I'm filled with rage. Add your own in the comments.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Fun with Spam
I get about 200 spam emails a day, mostly at work. While the majority of them tell me I've won the lottery in a country I've never been to, or that I can get Viagra for very little money, there are occasionally spam emails of a more mature nature. One thing these emails have in common, other than their sexual content, is a difficulty with basic American idioms and with the English language in general. Here are a few I got recently:
Email 2.
"Salma Hayek Stunning presentation.
The pornos is Shocking!"
Email 3.
"Hi, I'm Tatiana. I'm a nice Russian girl.
I'm tired tonight. Want to chat?"
There's nothing technically wrong with this last one, but why would I want to chat with a tired Russian girl? Am I going to chat her to sleep? (I'm pretty sure they mean 'bored' or 'I'm in bed' and just misused a thesaurus.) I realize these are emails sent by the Russian mob to try to get my PayPal account or get me to click on some malware or something, but, seriously, Boris, hire a copywriter. I can't believe there isn't one guy in the Ukraine who went to college in the states and desperately needs money who could look these over and be like, "Guys, it's not 'making fuck.'" Try harder, you silly foreign gangsters!
Email 1.
"Hi im Maria im 28 years old.
Opening the vagina.
Look it now!"
Email 2.
"Salma Hayek Stunning presentation.
The pornos is Shocking!"
Email 3.
"Hi, I'm Tatiana. I'm a nice Russian girl.
I'm tired tonight. Want to chat?"
There's nothing technically wrong with this last one, but why would I want to chat with a tired Russian girl? Am I going to chat her to sleep? (I'm pretty sure they mean 'bored' or 'I'm in bed' and just misused a thesaurus.) I realize these are emails sent by the Russian mob to try to get my PayPal account or get me to click on some malware or something, but, seriously, Boris, hire a copywriter. I can't believe there isn't one guy in the Ukraine who went to college in the states and desperately needs money who could look these over and be like, "Guys, it's not 'making fuck.'" Try harder, you silly foreign gangsters!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Question of the Day
One of the great things about working at the bookstore that shall remain nameless is that I get to hang out at a lot of author readings. Now, not every author event is fun. Sometimes nobody shows up, sometimes the author is a dick, sometimes the audience is full of dicks, etc. But sometimes the author is cool and the audience is cool, and the event ends up being a total blast.
Such was the case when David Sedaris visited the store. For those who've never been to a David Sedaris event, they can get pretty wild (for a book event, at least), as Sedaris is prone to saying whatever the hell he feels like to pretty much everyone and anyone in attendance. At our event, he told one well-endowed female fan that he loved the way she had chosen to display her fabulous breasts. I've heard stories of him encouraging teenage fans to have sex with paralyzed people ("Do you know any paralyzed people?"..."No." "Well, maybe you can meet some. I recommend hanging out near ramps.") and telling a female fan that she was attractive enough to be a prostitute.
At our event, he had something else in store. He asked everyone who got a book signed (quite a few people) whether or not they thought Barack Obama was circumcised. The results are shown below:
As you can see, the vote was evenly split, with circumcised winning by a nose, which is kind of ironic, really. I'm not sure who voted "1/2" or what that could possibly mean, but I'm quite sure I never want to find out. Sedaris himself said he thought Obama wasn't circumcised, and he had some rationale for it. He thought that, while Obama's mother would probably have wanted him to fit in, she was decidedly a free spirit, which might've made her more inclined to buck tradition in this case. I'm voting uncircumcised, but I don't have a reason. Hell, that's how most people decide to vote for a president, so it ought to be reason enough here.
As Sedaris noted at the event, though, the reasons people gave for voting the way they did were truly, um, illuminating:
"Well, I know he's a Muslim, so..."
Really?
"Well, he was born in Africa..."
Um...
No opinions were offered on the state of John McCain's foreskin because, well, nobody wants to go there.
Such was the case when David Sedaris visited the store. For those who've never been to a David Sedaris event, they can get pretty wild (for a book event, at least), as Sedaris is prone to saying whatever the hell he feels like to pretty much everyone and anyone in attendance. At our event, he told one well-endowed female fan that he loved the way she had chosen to display her fabulous breasts. I've heard stories of him encouraging teenage fans to have sex with paralyzed people ("Do you know any paralyzed people?"..."No." "Well, maybe you can meet some. I recommend hanging out near ramps.") and telling a female fan that she was attractive enough to be a prostitute.
At our event, he had something else in store. He asked everyone who got a book signed (quite a few people) whether or not they thought Barack Obama was circumcised. The results are shown below:
As you can see, the vote was evenly split, with circumcised winning by a nose, which is kind of ironic, really. I'm not sure who voted "1/2" or what that could possibly mean, but I'm quite sure I never want to find out. Sedaris himself said he thought Obama wasn't circumcised, and he had some rationale for it. He thought that, while Obama's mother would probably have wanted him to fit in, she was decidedly a free spirit, which might've made her more inclined to buck tradition in this case. I'm voting uncircumcised, but I don't have a reason. Hell, that's how most people decide to vote for a president, so it ought to be reason enough here.
As Sedaris noted at the event, though, the reasons people gave for voting the way they did were truly, um, illuminating:
"Well, I know he's a Muslim, so..."
Really?
"Well, he was born in Africa..."
Um...
No opinions were offered on the state of John McCain's foreskin because, well, nobody wants to go there.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Even More "Hills" News
I got my two contributor copies of Barrelhouse today, which was very exciting. Even though I've known my essay was being published for awhile, it's still a great feeling to see it there in print, with all the other incredible stuff in this issue. Did I mention its for sale here? And maybe at your local newsstand, if you live in certain select places that value quality periodicals.
(See. I'm serious about this Hills business.)
My mole among the teenagers (thanks, Sarah!) tells me that word on the street has it that Lauren Conrad now makes $70,000 per episode with "Speidy," the Spencer-Heidi combo, bringing in a reported $65,000. Audrina makes somewhere in the $25,000 per episode range, while poor Lo somehow survives on $10,000 per show.
Further proving my point about Lauren's career ambitions, the boutique Ketson dropped her clothing line, citing "complaints of poor sales and a lack of promotional work from the star."
You know, if I had a job where I made about a million dollars a year to drink cocktails and flirt, I'd probably be stoked to be a stylist, too.
Tomorrow, I'll write about something other than "The Hills." I promise.
(See. I'm serious about this Hills business.)
My mole among the teenagers (thanks, Sarah!) tells me that word on the street has it that Lauren Conrad now makes $70,000 per episode with "Speidy," the Spencer-Heidi combo, bringing in a reported $65,000. Audrina makes somewhere in the $25,000 per episode range, while poor Lo somehow survives on $10,000 per show.
Further proving my point about Lauren's career ambitions, the boutique Ketson dropped her clothing line, citing "complaints of poor sales and a lack of promotional work from the star."
You know, if I had a job where I made about a million dollars a year to drink cocktails and flirt, I'd probably be stoked to be a stylist, too.
Tomorrow, I'll write about something other than "The Hills." I promise.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thoughts on "The Hills"
One of the reasons I started this blog is so I can write about "The Hills," the MTV reality soap opera starring Lauren Conrad et al. I wrote an essay about "The Hills" called "This is Not Their Job: The Never-Ending Reality of "The Hills." It won the Pop Culture Essay Contest at Barrelhouse Magazine, and was just published in their most recent issue. Buy it here! Buy it, I say!
Since the text of the essay isn't currently available online, I'll summarize the argument here. "The Hills" represents a new type of TV show, one in which the actual "text" of the show, the content of the episodes themselves, is less interesting than the extra-textual content surrounding the show, the blogs, gossip sites, and tabloid magazines that cover the "characters" of the show. This gives the show a unique dramatic irony, in which the audience knows all about the characters yet the characters themselves can rarely acknowledge that the audience even exists. The unprecedented overlap between the show and the world around it also makes it difficult for the show to continue certain fictions, namely that Lauren needs to work at Teen Vogue (and now, People's Revolution) for her career (while she's making $25,000 an episode). There. The essay is much better than what I described so, again, I suggest you buy it.
While it's terrific that the essay is out there and people can read it, there's one problem -- it's old. I wrote it in, I don't know, October of 2007, and as the title of the essay suggests, "The Hills" never stops. Coverage of Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, Whitney (mmm, Whitney), and Lo (ah, Lo) continues unabated. On that subject, I no longer have cable. I would be missing The Hills except, well, you can watch it here. All the same, I only saw about half of last season, but -- here's where The Hills is great -- I'm still pretty much up to speed. You really just need to read Us Weekly and The Superficial, and you're all set. It's kind of similar to how I follow the Red Sox when I live out of market and won't pony up the cash to buy a TV package. I read about them online and watch the games online.
In any case, I thought I'd post some thoughts on what's happened on the show since I wrote the essay. I think, if anything, my thesis has largely been confirmed.
1. Heidi and Spencer have started posing for obviously staged "candid" photos like these:
Are you following me here? These are real people who play themselves on a TV show, and even though paparazzi follow them around and would probably take real candid photos of them, they stage these fake real photos. Is there any other show like this? I think not.
2. Heidi made a music video for her song "Higher" that was somewhat amusing...Oh, who am I kidding -- it was fucking hilarious. It's spawned a page worth of spoofs, reaction videos, and such on YouTube. In terms of unintentional comedy, it ranks up there with the "Boom Goes the Dynamite" guy.
3. Lauren, Audrina, and Lo bought a house in Los Angeles. That would've been hard on the salary of a junior stylist at People's Revolution, but, you know, Lauren has other means of income.
4. Audrina got huge fake boobs. If Whitney does one thing to her body, I will drive my car into an office building.
5. Heidi's office buddy, the one who actually hated her, quit her job and went out in style, sabotaging Heidi's plans like a modern day Iago. Did Heidi lose her job? Of course not. It's not like Brent Bolthouse has another way to get on TV.
6. Lauren and Brody Jenner never quite got off the ground, and Jason got engaged to a random girl named Katya, so what happened? Stephen from "Laguna Beach" suddenly started appearing on the show. But we're supposed to believe that this wasn't the idea of a producer? Right.
Also, I never really got a chance to comment on this, but where did they find these two people to host "The Hills" aftershow? The first time I saw it, I thought it was a spoof of some kind, like MTV was showing a Saturday Night Live skit. The male host acts like Jimmy Fallon doing an impression of a hipster. Every time they cut to him, he looks more and more ridiculous. It's almost a talent.
Anyway, I will continue to follow the show from afar, while taking in the occasional episode online. If you have thoughts on the show or if you've had a chance to read my essay, feel free to comment.
Since the text of the essay isn't currently available online, I'll summarize the argument here. "The Hills" represents a new type of TV show, one in which the actual "text" of the show, the content of the episodes themselves, is less interesting than the extra-textual content surrounding the show, the blogs, gossip sites, and tabloid magazines that cover the "characters" of the show. This gives the show a unique dramatic irony, in which the audience knows all about the characters yet the characters themselves can rarely acknowledge that the audience even exists. The unprecedented overlap between the show and the world around it also makes it difficult for the show to continue certain fictions, namely that Lauren needs to work at Teen Vogue (and now, People's Revolution) for her career (while she's making $25,000 an episode). There. The essay is much better than what I described so, again, I suggest you buy it.
While it's terrific that the essay is out there and people can read it, there's one problem -- it's old. I wrote it in, I don't know, October of 2007, and as the title of the essay suggests, "The Hills" never stops. Coverage of Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, Whitney (mmm, Whitney), and Lo (ah, Lo) continues unabated. On that subject, I no longer have cable. I would be missing The Hills except, well, you can watch it here. All the same, I only saw about half of last season, but -- here's where The Hills is great -- I'm still pretty much up to speed. You really just need to read Us Weekly and The Superficial, and you're all set. It's kind of similar to how I follow the Red Sox when I live out of market and won't pony up the cash to buy a TV package. I read about them online and watch the games online.
In any case, I thought I'd post some thoughts on what's happened on the show since I wrote the essay. I think, if anything, my thesis has largely been confirmed.
1. Heidi and Spencer have started posing for obviously staged "candid" photos like these:
Are you following me here? These are real people who play themselves on a TV show, and even though paparazzi follow them around and would probably take real candid photos of them, they stage these fake real photos. Is there any other show like this? I think not.
2. Heidi made a music video for her song "Higher" that was somewhat amusing...Oh, who am I kidding -- it was fucking hilarious. It's spawned a page worth of spoofs, reaction videos, and such on YouTube. In terms of unintentional comedy, it ranks up there with the "Boom Goes the Dynamite" guy.
3. Lauren, Audrina, and Lo bought a house in Los Angeles. That would've been hard on the salary of a junior stylist at People's Revolution, but, you know, Lauren has other means of income.
4. Audrina got huge fake boobs. If Whitney does one thing to her body, I will drive my car into an office building.
5. Heidi's office buddy, the one who actually hated her, quit her job and went out in style, sabotaging Heidi's plans like a modern day Iago. Did Heidi lose her job? Of course not. It's not like Brent Bolthouse has another way to get on TV.
6. Lauren and Brody Jenner never quite got off the ground, and Jason got engaged to a random girl named Katya, so what happened? Stephen from "Laguna Beach" suddenly started appearing on the show. But we're supposed to believe that this wasn't the idea of a producer? Right.
Also, I never really got a chance to comment on this, but where did they find these two people to host "The Hills" aftershow? The first time I saw it, I thought it was a spoof of some kind, like MTV was showing a Saturday Night Live skit. The male host acts like Jimmy Fallon doing an impression of a hipster. Every time they cut to him, he looks more and more ridiculous. It's almost a talent.
Anyway, I will continue to follow the show from afar, while taking in the occasional episode online. If you have thoughts on the show or if you've had a chance to read my essay, feel free to comment.
Monday, August 18, 2008
This is Me
One of the reasons I'm starting this blog is so that those of you who are out there reading some of my more professional writing (it exists, I swear) will have somewhere to go when you say, "Man, that essay on amateurism kicked ass. I wonder where I can find more of that guy's stuff?" If you're one of those people then, hello. You've found me.
Currently, I'm blogging at a bookstore that shall remain nameless. What I write here has nothing to do with my day job, and the views I express here are mine and not theirs.
You also might have seen me hanging around The Millions from time to time. I'm no longer officially a contributor there, but I still turn up in the comments from time to time, kind of like how Jon Lovitz was always on Saturday Night Live the season after he quit. You also might have read some of my writing on food at Apron, Napkin, my now defunct food blog. If you found me because you've been obsessively checking Apron for the past year, then, wow. You should email me or something. If you've never read Apron, Napkin, well, you're not alone. I've left it up on the off chance that someone should want to know what I thought of AOC (It's divine. Go there tonight, if you have the means), or what it's like to rub jalapeños on your genitals (um, invigorating).
The other reason I'm starting this blog is that I find all kinds of incredible things on the internet that I just can't, for whatever reason, work into a post at my day job. This blog will serve as a good dumping ground for that, and you, dear reader, will benefit.
So anyway, thanks for reading, welcome, and I love you.
Currently, I'm blogging at a bookstore that shall remain nameless. What I write here has nothing to do with my day job, and the views I express here are mine and not theirs.
You also might have seen me hanging around The Millions from time to time. I'm no longer officially a contributor there, but I still turn up in the comments from time to time, kind of like how Jon Lovitz was always on Saturday Night Live the season after he quit. You also might have read some of my writing on food at Apron, Napkin, my now defunct food blog. If you found me because you've been obsessively checking Apron for the past year, then, wow. You should email me or something. If you've never read Apron, Napkin, well, you're not alone. I've left it up on the off chance that someone should want to know what I thought of AOC (It's divine. Go there tonight, if you have the means), or what it's like to rub jalapeños on your genitals (um, invigorating).
The other reason I'm starting this blog is that I find all kinds of incredible things on the internet that I just can't, for whatever reason, work into a post at my day job. This blog will serve as a good dumping ground for that, and you, dear reader, will benefit.
So anyway, thanks for reading, welcome, and I love you.
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